Tag Archive | Loss

Divorce, Kids, and My Ring Finger

074Kids and Divorce                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Does divorce hurt kids? People sometimes say, “Don’t worry. Kids are resilient.” It is true that some do seem to breeze through the break-up of a family, but others struggle for a lifetime. I recently learned a lesson from my ring finger. First, I need to tell you I have been married after 42 years. If you are divorced, I have not walked in your shoes, but I am not judging you either. I know things happen. Lots of things happen that cause a happily ever after marriage to end in divorce. The purpose of this blog is not to judge those who find themselves divorced. It is to ask you to take a close look at the thoughts and feelings of your children and teens.

For 22 years, I have counseled children and coordinated support groups for children who have experienced a divorce or the death of a parent. Some of these children are adults now and they are doing well in their lives. Others still struggle. The same is true for children from intact marriages. Yet, everything that happens in the lives of children has an impact.

Learning from Loss                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Recently something happened to me that illustrates an important point about the effects of loss on a child –  adults, too. About four years ago, I lost the diamond in my engagement ring. I think it happened at Wal-mart, but I didn’t notice it until later in the day. Finding a diamond hours later on Saturday at Wal-mart, well, let’s just say, “No way!” I grieved over the loss and what it symbolized.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I noticed a prong on my new ring was loose, so as soon as possible, I took it to the jewelry store for repair. I felt undressed without it. Then I looked at my empty ring finger and felt shocked to see the indentation left by the ring. I looked again a few days later and it was still there, so I called the jewelry store and told them I wanted the ring resized to fit my “older” finger.      

Help Children Heal                                                                                                                                                                                                                   That reminded me about loss. Whether it is from divorce, loss, or even moving to a new place, it does leave a mark on children. The more they talk about it, the easier it will be. But they may not want to talk to you, because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. They need an outlet and they need to know that God is always there for them. Growing Seasons groups can help. If your church, school, or organization does not have a program to help grieving children, tell them about Growing Seasons: Helping Children Heal from Divorce and Other Losses. You can follow the link and read the curricula online:

http://store.livingfree.org/Growing-Seasons-Coordinators-Guide_p_162.html

If you would like more information, email GrowingSeasons@aol.com.

Regrets: Re-think, Release, Relax

 I was part of the sandwich generation, hash to be exact. I took care of my sick mother for sixteen years while my children grew from toddlers to college students. We stopped counting how many times I left my family to take her to the emergency room. She lived with us most of that time, but finally moved to a senior housing facility,which she enjoyed.The Saturday night before she died was just like any other, except it was raining rhinos and elephants.  I knew she didn’t feel well. In fact, I had taken her to the doctor the day before. That still small voice kept telling me to go see her. Instead, I cleaned out a chest of drawers in my guest room. After church the next day, I called to check on her. She was worse. I promised I would take her to the emergency room, but I waited until after dinner. The doctor admitted her. At least fifty times before, I stayed with her until she went to her room, but not this time.  I went home and went to sleep. At five o’clock the next morning the ringing phone jarred me out of bed. The calm female voice said, “Your mother is not breathing. She is in Code Blue. Do you want us to try to resuscitate her?”

Even though she had an advanced directive I said, “Yes, please,” and jumped into my clothes. She died before I arrived. I’ll never forget the way they left her body in that hospital room. With her head thrown back from the attempts to revive her, she looked like an old rag doll tossed aside by a pre-teen girl in search of a boyfriend. I regretted that I couldn’t tell her good-bye.

Five days later we went to Florida on a college visit with my daughter. I  ignored my grief during the day, but at night my mind kept rehearsing the two days before my mother died – the “what if’s”  kept me awake.  I thought, “What if I listened to the still, small voice that told me to go see her on Saturday. If I had gone, she might have lived.” NO!” I was believing a lie. I had to rethink my regrets. I finally concluded that it was my mother’s time to die. God called her home the moment she took her last breath. When her spirit left her body the pain left, too, and God replaced it with joy.

Hebrews 12:1-2 (NIV) speaks about that:                                                          “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I had no power over death or the shame and regret I  felt for ignoring the still, small voice. God took my mother to heaven at the time He appointed for her to die and Jesus took my shame on the cross. When I rethought my regrets, I released the shame, and relaxed. I miss my mother, but I know Jesus has her safely in His arms. I also learned to listen and respond to that still, small voice. Regrets can be a weight that ensnares us. Give them to Jesus and set yourself free to run the race of faith.