Tag Archive | children

Don’t Be a Shame Sponge

Don't let your self feel like this poor sponge.

Don’t let yourself feel like this poor sponge.

Did you experience physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse as a child? If so, you may feel a deep shame that makes it hard for you to believe you are as worthy as other people. It may even make it difficult for you to feel loved. Abuse is a direct attack on a person’s dignity. You had no way of knowing that, so you may have become a “shame sponge.” Did you soak up the dirt and shame that belongs to the abuser? If the person who hurt you was a family member, you may have added shame upon shame. After all, the family member who abused you may also be the one who took care of you. You needed the abuser in order to live. It created a confusing double bind. You couldn’t see the abuser as bad, so you saw yourself as bad. Even if the abuser was not a family member, the loss of dignity may have caused you to feel shame. Of course, there were other strong emotions, too. We will discuss those on another post.

The shameful feelings come from the lies planted in your mind and spirit, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by the abuser. Truthfully, no one is perfect, but you are not worse than others simply because of abuse. Even if you know that, you may not feel it. The perpetrator, however, should feel shame for hurting you, an innocent child. Changing the thought patterns and feelings developed in childhood requires some soul-searching work. If you haven’t received counseling, I recommend it. You can also help yourself by changing the messages you give yourself. Say, “Self, you are just as valuable and worthy as everyone else. The person who hurt you is the one who deserves the shame.” Telling yourself one time is not enough. You need to do it every time those old feelings stir your soul. It may feel like hard work, but it is worth it.

I am a Christian. I believe shame came into the world through Adam and Eve. They disobeyed God and hid in the garden to hide the shame they felt because they had no clothes. Fig leaves didn’t cover their shame. They needed more to cover their naked bodies. God confronted them and out of love covered them with animal skins. With the law of Moses, God began the practice of sacrificing lambs and other animals for the forgiveness of sins. The Bible says, “In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed by blood, for without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins.” (Hebrews 9:22 NIV) Finally, Jesus Christ, the perfect Son of God came to earth as a baby. He showed people how to live, and He died for our sins. He took our shame. Anyone who accepts the gift of His sacrifice and follows Him will have eternal life in heaven. Even it you don’t believe in God, the shame you felt and may still feel doesn’t from the abuse belongs to the one who abused you, not you.

How to Help Overactive Children in a Classroom

Climbing to Keep from Feeling

Climbing to Keep from Feeling

Parents and teachers of an active or inattentive child wonder if the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. There are several reasons a child might exhibit those behaviors, so that diagnosis must be made by a doctor. Changes in the classroom space and routine can help an active or inattentive child. In Growing Seasons divorce recovery and grief recovery groups we have found some ideas that may help you also:

1. Have stretch breaks often and provide opportunities for the children to be active.

2. If the conversation seems too intense, allow the child to leave the group for a few minutes and go to another part of the room.

3. Make the activity more interesting, unusual, and varied.

4. Add visual aids.

5. Place the child close to the facilitator, facing away from other stimuli and separated from the other active children.

6. Be more enthusiastic.

7. Give clear, concise directions using firm, polite voice. Get the children’s attention. Say what you want done, when, and how.

8. Give one direction at a time.

9. Be sure your expectations are appropriate for the child.

Please comment and let us know ideas that have helped a child you know. We would love to hear from parents and teachers, as well.

List taken from Growing Seasons: Helping Children Heal from Divorce and Other Losses.
http://store.livingfree.org/Growing-Seasons-Coordinators-Guide_p_162.html

Picture from Dreamtimefree_200973

How to Recognize Depression in Children

Children and teens can become depressed. Divorce, learning problems, family stress, and physical or sexual abuse, and other issues, can cause depression in youth. Clinical depression differs from the third stage of grief as put forth by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her book On Death and Dying. A depressed person of any age needs professional help. Ignoring depression can be deadly. Is that clear? Deadly.

Depression Is  Like Watching the World Go By without You

Depression Is Like Watching the World Go By without You

If you have or know of a child or teen who is experiencing a number of the symptoms listed below, contact a doctor or counselor or both.

1. Sadness that lasts for several weeks.

2. Complaints of physical illness or aches and pains that seems to have no physical causes.

3. Decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities.

4. Unable to sleep or sleeping all the time.

5. Decreased activity level or increased activity level, seemingly to avoid thinking.

6. Change in eating patterns leading to weight loss or gain.

7. Boredom, listlessness, or sudden onset of poor concentration.

8. Drop in grades or increase in school absences.

9. Wide mood swings.

10. Low self-esteem.

11. Frequent discussions of suicide.

12. Use of alcohol or drugs.

13. Aggression, temper tantrums, or anti-social behavior.

14. Excessive crying.

15. Withdrawal.

16. Strong feelings of guilt.

Childhood and teen depression is a serious problem. Please help others by sharing any experiences you have had with depression, whether your own or that of someone you know. Please don’t break any confidentiality with someone you know.

List taken from Growing Seasons: Helping Children Heal from Divorce and Other Losses, published by Living Free Ministries. http://store.livingfree.org/Growing-Seasons-Coordinators-Guide_p_162.html

Taking Jesus to the Streets for Children

2 black boys  Good News, The Face of Memphis is Changing

Memphis has a long- standing reputation for crime, poverty, and racial prejudice. Churches want to change that. There is a synergistic movement of God’s people to take the love of God to the streets, especially to families with children. More churches are starting to adopt schools. Members volunteer by tutoring after school, providing supplies for parties, helping and encouraging teachers. Women volunteer to mentor young mothers. Christian college students move into inner-city neighborhoods just to share God’s love to their neighbors. Men volunteer to help young fathers understand that their children need them as well as their mothers in the home. Convoy of Hopes comes again for a second year to give food for families, games for the children, and prayers for all. Much work needs to be done and the movement is growing. Prayer groups meet through-out the county to pray for the city.

Giving Children Hope and Wisdom

What do the under resourced children in Memphis need most?  First, they need food, clothing, a home, safety and love. They need the love of parents and they need to know the love of God. Without these things, their chances of building a better life for themselves are diminished, but still possible. Too many children live in single-parent homes or with other relatives. To them it seems normal not to have a father, but inside they know something is missing. Gods plans for families included a father and a mother. This summer a new group from Central Church in Collierville, Tennessee heads to the city to help the children. We start with Growing Seasons: Helping Children Heal from Divorce and Other Losses. We plan to add Empowering Kids for Life, a biblically based program that teaches children the dangers of life-controlling problems, addictions and dependencies. So far, we present these programs at Orange Mound Outreach Center and Serving in Christ Outreach Center. We hope to expand to other centers and to afterschool programs in the future.

What About Your City?

Are the children in the city where you live crying out for love and hope? Are they missing a parent? Are they being recruited by gangs? Are they becoming addicted to drugs? How much does that cost you? Consider starting a Growing Seasons or Empowering Kids group in your church or community. It is easy. Please tell us about the community where you live and what you are doing to help the children there.

Helping Grieving Kids from America to Zimbabwe, Africa

Do the children in Zimbabwe have anything in common with the children in your church? The answer is “Yes.”

Children all over the world grieve and children all over the world need Jesus. Read the following letter from a woman who works in an orphanage in Africa. If Growing Seasons helps children in a Zimbabwe orphanage, don’t you think it could help those children in your congregation, too. Divorce and the death of a parent devastates children all over the world and the love of Jesus introduced to children through the Growing Seasons curriculum can help these children to heal. Read on:

Hi Jean

I hope you are well.

I wanted to give you an update on Growing Seasons in Zimbabwe. I

contacted you at the end of last year for some advice on how to begin

Growing Seasons here.

God has really blessed this ministry and we are now running the second

term with about thirty children.

It was difficult to get the Coordinator’s Guides and Parents Guides

here but we eventually had the books sent to the United Kingdom and

some people who were coming here, brought them back with them.

I was a facilitator myself in the first term and already saw a change

in some of the children by the end of the course. Growing Seasons has

really helped these children and we would like to reach many children

in Zimbabwe.

I went and did a talk for three boarding shools last week and they are

really keen to get Growing Seasons into their schools but asked if we

could possibly train some of their teachers so that they can run it. I

am now feeling led to branch out to the schools and I wanted to ask

you how I could go about this.

You said that you had Workshops there. Would you be able to provide

some material to do Workshops here. There is such a need in the

schools.

What’s a Single Parent to Do?

Here you are in one of the most, if not the most, trying times of your life. You may have to move, get a job, find reliable childcare, change churches, find out who your real friends are and more. If that were not enough, you have  children who are as devastated as you, but they don’t understand why this happened. You are exhausted:  physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually and you can’t concentrate. On top of that, you are lonely. You love your children unconditionally, but they are also reacting to the changes in their lives. They withdraw or act out with anger. Their grades fall and their tempers rise. Yours is, too, because there isn’t much left of you to give them by the end of the day.

Your children’s pain hurts you the most. There are some little things you can do that will help a lot.The most important thing you can do for your children is listen to their feelings. Children don’t always have the words for their emotions, so they may need you to help put them into words. Even if you have tried to talk to them about their feelings and they yelled at you or retreated to their emotional safety zone, you can still help them talk about their emotions if you know how.

First, you must understand that feelings come in layers. Usually with uncomfortable emotions, anger is on top. Anger has a way of spewing all over everyone, which can lead a parent to respond the same way. Instead, stop and remember your child is grieving. Anger is an essential part of the grief process – part of breaking the bond with the one who is gone. You probably feel it, too. Have you noticed, when someone validates your anger, it seems to take the air out of it? That also works for children.

Even if you don’t agree with the things your children are saying, you can validate their beliefs it and hurts. One way to do that is to respond with, “It sounds like you feel __________. You can even add because_________. For example, “It sound like you feel angry, because Daddy didn’t pick you up at school today like he promised.” Or, “It sounds like you feel scared at Mommy’s house, because I am not there at night.” Don’t worry if you use the wrong feeling word, because then the child will have to think about it and correct you. This should disarm the child and open the door for you to go deeper. Listen again to your child’s next comment. It will probably have a strong feeling attached. Validate again, even using the same template if you wish. See if that doesn’t take your child to the next feeling level. It may take some practice, but if you love your children, and I know you do, it will be worth it. By continuing this process, you can often discover and correct the misconceptions your child is feeling after the loss, such as, “It’s my fault.” Try this today and see if it doesn’t help, but remember, your children may need you to do it a few times before they trust that you are really going to listen.

Visit again soon for more ideas on how to help children through tough times.